I met my mom after almost a year during my sister’s wedding last month. If you read my blog regularly, you know I am very grateful to share a beautiful relationship with my mom so no surprise I was very, very excited. Yet, the first day she arrived we had an argument, a misunderstanding, hurt feelings and if I am truly brave – there were lots of tears, both in my eyes and my mom’s eyes. We separated for a few hours, she took a “long” nap (I wasn’t sure if it was because of me or the jetlag, I think it was both). All this happened in the first 24 hours of our meeting. I felt incredibly guilty and upset with myself, but I was hurt, and my emotional needs were not being fully met even though I knew how dearly loved I am by my mom. It’s funny as I type this blog I don’t even fully remember all the details of our argument, but it was something around our different points of views on grocery, shopping, and food for our family arriving for my sister’s wedding. Yet, even as I recollect this incident my heart warms up with love and I am reminded of how incredibly loved, heard and seen I am…
Here’s what happened once she woke up. We still didn’t talk much. I was sad – both upset at her but also guilty, but I had softened a bit by then. By the end of the day, my love and perhaps more so “her” love took over, forgiveness and compassion entered the scene and we sat at the dinner table and talked. We spoke our hearts on how we both felt, where we were coming from and what we needed from each other at that vulnerable moment. We tried to choose love, listening, and empathy over our own strong points of view. It wasn’t perfect, but it was beautiful.
This is what I most love about my relationship with my mom. It’s not that there is no conflict, no disagreement, no misunderstanding. I personally haven’t found a rich relationship devoid of difficult experiences and emotions and this one is no different. Yet, it’s her ability to hold space and skillfully navigate the terrain of emotions, to be vulnerable about her mistakes as a parent, to accept me for my mistakes, to never expect me to be a miniature version of her and to still call me out for my blind spots with kindness. As the years have gone by, I respect her even more for having the courage and curiosity to invest in herself, to continually seek to understand and meet her children where they are and not where she wants them to be and recognizing that parenting doesn’t stop when children leave home. I am 34 and I still need my mom in so, so many ways and I only appreciate that she is always there.
I miss her on a Sunday afternoon, so she could ask me to sit on the couch with a cup of green tea after I am exhausted taking care of the kids. I miss her when I go to my Friday morning yoga class and secretly hope I can do that together soon. I miss her as I am reading Kelly Corrigan’s Glitter and Glue (highly her book’s) where she shares beautiful details about her relationship with her mom and I wish she lived next door and we could listen to the book together. I miss her when I go eat Burmese food and I miss her every time I try to make alu tikki and can never make it as well as she does. I miss her when I am rude to Sumit because she always reminds me to speak my heart and my needs but with kindness and every time I don’t, I secretly hear her voice in my head. Every time Vivaan tells me – Mumma I need your arm, I miss my days when I’d fall asleep rubbing her soft yet strong arms. And as I sit, and type and tears trickle down my cheeks, I miss her being next to me, rubbing my head and my back.
I cry every time I sit down to write a Mother’s Day post. I have tears of joy and gratitude but also tears of the fears that always live with me when I think of the big loves in my life. And sometimes, its fear of losing my mom and sometimes the fear of losing her huge, abundant love. It’s tears of guilt for all the times when I am impulsive and inconsiderate with my words and her huge hear that forgives me.
And yet again, I remind myself, it is beautiful to cry in love. It is a sign of beauty, richness, and abundance. Thank you, mamma, for being my rock and truly being my world.
Happy Mother’s day.
PS – I too am looking forward to a mommy-daughter vacation while papa and Sumit watch the kids, hopefully, next year as we celebrate your 60th!!!
And here are two beautiful Mother’s Day posts that I found online: