Posted by & filed under Everyday Lessons, Imperfections, Mindfulness, Parenting, Relationships, Writing.

IMG_0828

I turned 33 this past weekend and was blessed to celebrate my day with near and dear ones. I started this birthday blog last year by journaling my life at the moment to pause, reflect & share what is showing up for me. In some ways, this post is easy to write because I find life to be rich & abundant with its highs and lows. Yet, in other ways, its difficult to write about myself, be vulnerable and show up. Yet, that is one of the key reasons why I write and share my work publicly – to be raw, real and authentic and do my part to create a space for others to do the same.

Here’s what my 33 is looking like right now…

I am a mom to two boys – two “souls” as my mom reminds me, two human beings who truly bring me joy, purpose and meaning. They exhaust me, test my patience and my ability to function with minimal sleep. I have nothing but gratitude for this journey and feel incredibly blessed to call myself a mom. Yet, I realize that as much as this is my most meaningful identity, this isn’t enough for me and I need a solid relationship with myself, my spouse, family, work, family, friends & community to feel like my life is whole and complete. I am not guilty of saying so…

I have learnt that rich relationships take effort, sacrifice, patience, communication & surrender. This applies first and foremost to my husband, parents & siblings. Some days are easier and brighter and some are hard and such is life… The relationships that are worth taking to the end will have bumps and hiccups and in hindsight those moments are a true test of the strength in those relationships. I also find strength in accepting that some relationships are hard and take much more work to sustain. Wisdom is in knowing which ones need how much care. This is still a work in progress…

There are so many questions to which I have no answers – how I want to talk about religion to my children, why some people suffer more than others – poverty, rape, cancer bring up big feelings for me. Why does a preschooler see her mom die?  Yet, I want to continue to ask these questions, to sit with the uncertainty, the not knowing…

I am much more aware and accepting of my own introversion, my need for silence, quiet time & self-care. This means being more & more comfortable saying no to social commitments beyond a certain threshold. It means prioritizing time away from the kids to seek the replenishment I need to thrive and be the human being I want to be. I appreciate nature even more and need my spiritual work even more than before whether its meditation, yoga, a retreat, reading, hiking, an hour at a café writing a new blog,  a soulful conversation or some form of service. I feel pretty good about prioritizing these needs of mine…

There is no destination for my purpose on this planet. My path is my purpose. My journey to be more in touch with myself, to grow in a myriad of ways, to connect authentically, to love wholeheartedly, to experience life in its fullness and to give is my purpose. Nothing grandiose, nothing fancy here and this is what purpose means to me.  I am a work in progress and I am moving forward. This is my purpose.

I am learning to be much more comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty, with making plans and being okay that they will not all work out and trusting that I will draw upon my own resilience and the love and support of others to navigate life. I am learning to dream big and dream small yet also recognize that I do best what I am realistic with my expectations from myself, others and perhaps life in general….

In order to stay true to my values, one of my tools is structure and consistency while still leaving room for spontaneity. One place I struggle on this is my relationships and the people I interact with regularly. I have some incredibly rich friendships but I am noticing a lot of homogeneity in my friends and a lack of diversity in any way I’d define it. Most of my friends are like me and this makes me sad at times. I hope to bring more new perspectives with new people in my life though not at the cost of my existing friendships. Perhaps, I need to connect more with strangers at the park or the train but I find myself wanting quiet time after spending most of my day at work and with my kids. I am still figuring this out.

I also question my knowledge on areas outside my core personal and professional interests. My so called “free time” is so scarce and I often spend it on ways in either nourishing myself or others in my life that it often means I have little knowledge on areas I can’t fully change or influence around current events, politics, technology, etc, etc. I am still processing what this means and what needs to change…

In the last one year, I have definitely grown much more compassionate and forgiving of myself and a lot more accepting of all the parts of me that are not the most beautiful. I have to thank my postpartum anxiety after my first born for really drilling this into my bones, literally.

I honestly, have almost no big goals or aspirations for this coming year. Perhaps being sleep deprived with a 3 week old has something to do with it. Perhaps, I am becoming more content with life. Perhaps I am beginning to see that showing up with integrity every day, living in alignment with my values and choosing love and kindness is what really matters to me and that is a goal worthy in itself…

 

 

 

 

 

Sharing is caring!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *